The Junk Mail Page

I have been receiving jokes and alleged virus hoaxes from three sources on a regular basis (you know who you are!). I am deleting them from my Inbox and putting them here for all to enjoy.
  • They are in no particular order, but the titles are larger so you can scan up and down the page and see what's there.
  • As far as I know, nothing here is copyrighted.
  • The Clinton jokes have been filtered out.
  • I will TRY not to duplicate jokes.
  • You might try pressing [CTRL]-[F] to search for a particular word or phrase.
  • Oh, I'm trying not to include Redneck jokes. For an accurate definition of a Redneck, you should read I Haven't Understood Anything Since 1962 by Lewis Grizzard, God rest his soul.

Pithy Sayings

  • A day without sunshine is like, night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  • Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." John Andrew Holmes
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • You have the right to remain silent-please consider it.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • He who hesitates is probably right.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  • The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.(OR GOLF!)
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
  • A fool and his money are soon partying.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  • Plan for the future, but live in the present moment. It's the only life you have.
  • Success is a journey, not a destination, enjoy the trip!

Basic Guy Test

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

  1. Present it to the President of the United States.
  2. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
  3. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
  1. Innocence.
  2. Idealism.
  3. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
  1. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
  2. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
  3. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
  1. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
  2. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
  3. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
    1. He is legally within the basepath,
    2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
    3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
  1. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
  2. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
  3. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
  1. A cat.
  2. A dog.
  3. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy--you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
  1. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
  2. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
  3. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
  1. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
  2. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
  3. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
  1. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
  2. "They're in school already?"
  3. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
  1. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
  2. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
  3. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
  1. He was being tested.
  2. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
  3. He refused to ask for directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
  1. Democracy.
  2. Religion.
  3. Remote control.
How to Score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the alzheimer's joke.

Market Analysis

  • Helium was up, feathers were down.
  • Paper was stationary.
  • Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
  • Knives were up sharply.
  • Cows steered into a bull market.
  • Pencils lost a few points.
  • Hiking equipment was trailing.
  • Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
  • Weights were up in heavy trading.
  • Light switches were off.
  • Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
  • Diapers remain unchanged.
  • Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
  • The market for raisins dried up.
  • Coca Cola fizzled.
  • Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
  • Sun peaked at midday.
  • Balloon prices were inflated.
  • Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
  • Batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Dilbertisms

  1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go by.
  3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  6. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  7. Accept that someday you are the pigeon, and someday you're the statue.
  8. Needing someone is like a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.
  9. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  10. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
  11. My Reality Check bounced.
  12. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
  15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

The 8 Commandments of Dating My Daughter

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Right Now

  • somebody is very proud of you.
  • somebody is thinking of you.
  • somebody is caring about you.
  • somebody misses you.
  • somebody wants to talk to you.
  • somebody wants to be with you.
  • somebody hopes you aren't in trouble.
  • somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
  • somebody wants to hold your hand.
  • somebody hopes everything turns out all right.
  • somebody wants you to be happy.
  • somebody wants you to find him/her.
  • somebody is celebrating your successes.
  • somebody wants to give you a gift.
  • somebody thinks that you ARE a gift.
  • somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot.
  • somebody wants to hug you.
  • somebody loves you.
  • somebody admires your strength.
  • somebody is thinking of you and smiling.
  • somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on.
  • somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun.
  • somebody thinks the world of you.
  • somebody wants to protect you.
  • somebody would do anything for you.
  • somebody wants to be forgiven.
  • somebody is grateful for your forgiveness.
  • somebody wants to laugh with you.
  • somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there.
  • somebody is praising God for you.
  • somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional.
  • somebody values your advice.
  • somebody wants to tell you how much they care.
  • somebody wants to share their dreams with you.
  • somebody wants to hold you in their arms.
  • somebody wants YOU to hold them in your arms.
  • somebody treasures your spirit.
  • somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you.
  • somebody praises God for your friendship and love.
  • somebody can't wait to see you.
  • somebody loves you for who you are.
  • somebody loves the way you make them feel.
  • somebody wants you to know they are there for you.
  • somebody's glad that you're his/her friend.
  • somebody wants to be your friend.
  • somebody stayed up all night thinking about you.
  • somebody is alive because of you.
  • somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her.
  • somebody wants to get to know you better.
  • somebody wants to be near you.
  • somebody misses your advice/guidance.
  • somebody has faith in you.
  • somebody trusts you.
  • somebody needs you to send them this letter.
  • somebody needs your support.
  • somebody needs you to have faith in them.
  • somebody will cry when they read this.
  • somebody needs you to let them be your friend.
  • somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.

CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talent less Americans. The act,signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and, "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

Lawyer Jokes

What do lawyers use for birth control?
* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:
* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
* He gets taller.

Birth Order

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your ob-gyn confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your regular clothes ARE your maternity clothes.

The Baby's Name:
1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after great-aunt Mavis right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Sounds good to me!

Preparing for Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing regularly.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that, last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in the eighth month.

The Layette:
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure the clothes are clean and discard only those with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress -- a whimper, a frown -- you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick up the baby when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swim and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Photography:
1st baby: You photograph every second of the poor kid's existence.
2nd baby: You photograph the kid on birthdays, Christmas or other holidays.
3rd baby: When grandparents ask for a photo, you retouch one of the others.

Pacifier Sterilization:
1st Baby: Resterilize the pacifier by boiling if it falls on the floor.
2nd Baby: If the pacifier hits a dirty floor or the ground outside, run it under hot water for a minute or two.
3rd Baby: Brush off the dog hair, lick it clean, and stick it back in the baby's mouth.

Office Work Dull?

Office work dull?...

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...

Well if you're like me then here are a series of gags that will keep you amused for hours, embarass your work colleagues and probably end with your P45 - what a way to go though!?!

Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.

Read on...

ONE-POINT GAGS

  • Run one lap around the office at top speed
  • Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time) then say, Geez, that burns!
  • When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew
  • Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
  • Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
  • To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
  • When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
  • Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
  • In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
  • Walk sideways to the photcopier.
  • While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT GAGS

  • Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
  • Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
  • Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
  • Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
  • Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

  • At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
  • Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
  • For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
  • Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
  • After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
  • While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
  • In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
  • At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
  • In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
  • Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
  • Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
    "Do you hear that?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now"
  • While talking to a colleague, pick your nose and eat the booger.
  • Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
  • Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
  • Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
  • Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
  • Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

AGENT MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

BILL CLINTON:
We categorically deny the chicken did cross the road and any allegations to the contrary by the right-wing extremists should be postponed until I am out of office.

JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE:
The question is not Why did the chicken cross the road? Rather, it is, Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

MACHIAVELLI:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA:
Asking this questions denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Thoughts

  1. Never judge a day by the weather
  2. The best things in life aren't things
  3. Tell the truth-there's less to remember
  4. Tell the truth - there's less to remember
  5. Goals are deceptive - the unaimed arrow never misses
  6. He who dies with the most toys - still dies
  7. Age is relative - when you're over the hill you pick up speed
  8. There are two ways to be rich - make more or desire less
  9. Beauty is internal - looks mean nothing
  10. No rain - no rainbows

Quotations

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
*Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
*Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
*Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
*Mariah Carey Pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
*Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
*Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
*Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
*David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
*Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
*Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
*Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
*Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an alcatraz around my neck."
*Boston Mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
*Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
*Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
*Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
*Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
*Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
*Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign (did she get the job, I wonder?)

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
*Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
*A congressional candidate in Texas

...ahh human kindness...

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or sweetly I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I said f*** you.

Sincerely,

Edna Foster

Perfect

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling ****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OUT OF COLLEGE WHEN:

This is sad but true.

  • Your salary is less than your tuition.
  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
  • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • You have to pay your own credit card bill.
  • You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
  • 8:00a.m. isn't so early anymore.
  • You have to file for your own taxes.
  • You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
  • You're not carded anymore.
  • You carry an umbrella.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
  • You start watching the weather channel.
  • Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
  • You can no longer take shots, and smoking anything gives you a sinus attack.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  • You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
  • You go to parties that the police don't raid.
  • Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
  • You don't know what time fast food joints close anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down.
  • You refer to college students as kids.
  • You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon & rum.
  • Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.
  • You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.
  • The only time you see your friends is at weddings.
  • College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.
  • Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
  • Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.
  • Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning one.
  • You get your news from sources other than USA Today, Sportscenter and MTV News.
  • You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.
  • Your metabolism slows down to the point where eating salad might make you gain weight.
  • Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
  • When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to'.
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.
  • You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of '21-year-old kids.'
  • Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

NEW WORDS FOR THE 90'S:

Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis:
Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs:
What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird:
To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists:
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware:
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace

Going Postal:
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa:
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD Job:
A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Yuppie Food Stamps:
The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Expectant Times

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldnt hear of anything else. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his father-in-law,

"When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I'll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of my son."

The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So he sends the message,

"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

Special Hell

There is a special Hell for:

  • People who chew with their mouths open
  • People who talk in theaters during the movie
  • Oasis
  • That girl on the Fox Family Channel commercials
  • Those who make radio commercials
  • Anyone who says "U S of A"
  • People who park over the line in parking lots
  • People with far more than 15 items in the 15 or under line at Meijer
  • My old boss
  • And the boss right before her
Further Special Hells as warranted. Feel free to add to the list and pass it on. Someone's gotta make the world a better place. Damn it.

"How To Install Software - A 12-Step Program"

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

  • SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
  • 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
  • 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
  • 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
  • 3546 MB RAM
  • 432323 MB ROM
  • 05948737 MB RPM
  • ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
  • 2 TURTLE DOVES
  • NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:

YES - SURE

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub- sub- directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately

!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

The New Pastor

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he come to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

From Dr. Laura

How To Impress A Woman

  • Compliment her
  • Cuddle her
  • Kiss her
  • Caress her
  • Love her
  • Stroke her
  • Tease her
  • Comfort her
  • Protect her
  • Hug her
  • Hold her
  • Dine her
  • Listen to her
  • Care for her
  • Stand by her
  • Support her
  • Go to the ends of the earth for her
How To Impress A Man
  • Show up naked
  • Bring beer

Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Bad Pun

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end.

Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought,

...it was nothing but a catastrophe.

Rules of Chocolate

  • If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
  • Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
  • The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
    The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
  • Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
  • A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
  • If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
  • But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
  • If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
  • If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
  • Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  • Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
  • Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
    A. Because no one wants to quit.
  • If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
  • Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

    Random Musings

    After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

    How can there be self-help "groups"?

    If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

    Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

    Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

    When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

    When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

    When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

    Why do they report power outages on TV?

    I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

    I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

    Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

    There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.

    What a nice night for an evening.

    Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

    My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."

    When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

    Hickphonics

    The Kentucky School Board, sensing that Atlanta is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

    A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

    HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

    HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

    BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

    JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

    BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

    MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

    THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

    BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

    IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

    RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

    ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

    FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

    TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

    TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

    RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

    FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

    RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

    FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddin't unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

    DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

    EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

    BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

    JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

    HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert."

    SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".

    Fast Thinking

    A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

    "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

    The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

    The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

    "Off you go," said the officer.

    Y Zero K Problem

    While browsing through some dust covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "Magister Fastorium", or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, November 24 or 2000 years ago. The text of the message follows:

    "Dear Cassius,
    Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

    I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.

    As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

    Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.

    Plutonius"

    Anglish

    The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

    Foreploy:
    Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

    Doltergeist:
    A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

    Giraffiti:
    Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

    Impotience:
    Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.

    Fortissimoe:
    The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin action.

    Tatyr:
    A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.

    Sarchasm:
    The gulf between the author of sarcasticwit and the recipient who doesn't get it.

    Contratemps:
    The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.

    Coiterie:
    A very VERY close-knit group.

    Whitetater:
    A political hot potato.

    Reintarnation:
    Coming back to life as a redneck.

    Inoculatte:
    To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    Hipatitis:
    Terminal coolness.

    Taterfamilias:
    The head of the Potato Head family.

    Guillozine:
    A magazine for executioners.

    Suckotash:
    A dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.

    Burglesque:
    A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)

    Karmageddon:
    It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

    Glibido:
    All talk and no action.

    Antifun gal:
    A prude.

    Vaseball:
    A game of catch played by children in the living room.

    Eunouch:
    The pain of castration.

    Hindkerchief:
    Really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.

    Hindprint:
    Indentation made by a couch potato.

    Intaxication:
    Euphoria at getting a refund from tax authorities, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    Deifenestration:
    To throw all talk of God out the window.

    Acme:
    A generic skin disease.

    Nazigator:
    An overbearing member of your carpool.

    Hozone:
    The area around Foster street.

    Dopeler effect:
    The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    Honk If You Love Jesus

    The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. "The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church.

    I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."

    "I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed,

    "For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"

    "Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."

    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."

    "A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection."

    "I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."

    "Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!!"

    New Year - New Warning!

    I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

    So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"

    But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

    The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

    Sayings that should be on buttons

    1. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    2. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
    3. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
    4. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
    5. Adult child of alien invaders.
    6. Adults are just kids who owe money.
    7. After I cook the vegatables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
    8. Allow me to introduce my selves.
    9. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
    10. And just how may I screw you over today?
    11. And which dwarf are you?
    12. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
    13. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
    14. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
    15. Better living through denial.
    16. Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
    17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
    18. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
    19. Did I mention the kick in thr groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
    20. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe.
    21. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
    22. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
    23. Does this condom make me look fat?
    24. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    25. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
    26. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
    27. Earth is full. Go home.
    28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    29. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
    30. Friendly check out clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way.
    31. God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
    32. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
    33. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    34. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
    35. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
    36. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
    37. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
    38. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
    39. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go.
    40. I plead contemporary insanity.
    41. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
    42. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
    43. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
    44. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    45. I work hours a week to be this poor.
    46. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    47. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
    48. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
    49. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
    50. I'm not a cranky person, I've just been in a very bad mood for 25 years.
    51. I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
    52. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
    53. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
    54. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    55. Is it time for your medication or mine?
    56. It ain't the size that counts, it's... no...., it is the size.
    57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
    58. I've found Jesus. He was behind the couch the whole time.
    59. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
    60. Macho law prohibts me from admitting that I'm wrong.
    61. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
    62. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
    63. Meandering to a differnt drummer.
    64. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    65. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
    66. Okay, Okay, I take it back. Unscrew you!
    67. One if us is thinking about sex...... OK it's me.
    68. Practive random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self control.
    69. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    70. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
    71. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
    72. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
    73. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
    74. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
    75. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    76. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    77. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
    78. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    79. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you"
    80. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
    81. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
    82. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
    83. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
    84. You! Off my planet!

    Helga and the bartender

    It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

    She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

    "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

    The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

    Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

    THE BRAVE SEA CAPTAIN

    Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.

    Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's man.

    As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

    Assassin

    Agent Selection Inside the CIA

    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.

    These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there is a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can be considered for the position.

    After wending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

    The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for the job then."

    So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

    The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now, they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husbandsitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.

    The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on several minutes, then all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to the death with the chair."

    A Little BIT of Humor

    Men think computers should be referred to as females, just like ships because:

    1. no one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
    2. the language they use to commumicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. the message "bad command or file name" is as informative as "if you don't know why i'm mad at you, i'm certainly not going to tell you."
    4. your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
    5. as soon as yo make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
    Women think computers should be referred to as male, because:
    1. they have a lot of data, but they still are clueless.
    2. they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
    3. as soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
    4. in order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    5. a big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.
    Top Ad Slogans Considered By Viagra

    1. This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?
    2. Just do her.
    3. Viagra... built "ram" tough.
    4. Tastes great, more filling.
    5. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
    6. Viagra. It plumps when you take 'em.
    7. The "hardbeef" of America.
    8. Get a piece of the rock.
    9. This Pud's for you.
    10. Viagra. The quicker pecker-picker-upper.
    11. Viagra. It grows on you.
    12. Viagra. The drug that put "R" in bone.

    What Do Angels Look Like?

    • Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.
    • Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.
    • Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
    • Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
    • Like the rich man who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe.
    • Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
    • Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one to touch.
    • Angels come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types.
    • Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.
    • They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, lovers and fools.
    • They don't take life too seriously, They travel light.
    • They leave no forwarding address, They ask nothing in return.
    • They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, They get a deal on dry cleaning.
    • They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, but
    • They are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.

    You're A Jackass

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out one someone you DON'T know!!!

    Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.

    A man answered the phone gruffly saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

    I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

    When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheered me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass.

    Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

    The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

    Keep reading, it gets better...!

    The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

    I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy, I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.

    He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world.

    I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number and then hunted for another place to park.

    A couple of day later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I notice the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

    After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said; "Hello" I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
    "Yes, it is."
    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
    I said, "What's your name?"
    "My name is Don Hansen."
    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
    "I'm home in the evenings."
    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
    "Yes!"
    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

    For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

    First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
    The same gruff voice answered grumbling, "Hello."
    I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
    The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
    I said "Yeah!"
    He said, "Stop calling me."
    I said, "No."
    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
    I said, "Don Hansen."
    He said "Where do you live?"
    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

    Then I called Jackass #2.
    He answered, "Hello."
    I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
    "You'll what?"
    "I'll kick your butt."
    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

    Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

    Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gay bashing protest going on down at West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

    What a Glorious Sight!!

    Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and the Channel '13 LIVE' cameras was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

    AND I STILL HAVE THEIR PHONE NUMBERS!!!!!

    The Test

    This test does not measure intelligence, your fluency with words, creativity, or mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility. In the three years since the test was developed, few people have been found who could solve more than half of the 27 questions on the first try. Many, however, reported getting answers long after the testing had been set aside, particularly at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed. Some reported solving all the questions over a period of several days. Take the test as your personal challenge. 16 correct answers out of the 27 in your first try means that your are some kind of genius.

    INSTRUCTIONS: Each equation below contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Furnish the missing words.
    Example: 60=M in an H
    Answer: 60= Minutes in an Hour

    1. 26 = L of the A
    2. 7 = W of the W
    3. 1001 = AN
    4. 12 = S of the Z
    5. 54 = C in a D (with the J)
    6. 9 = P in the SS
    7. 88 = PK
    8. 13 = S on the AF
    9. 18 = H on a GC
    10. 32 = D F at which W F
    11. 8 = S on a SS
    12. 200 = D for P G in M
    13. 3 = B M (S H T R)
    14. 90 = D in a R A
    15. 4 = Q in a G
    16. 24 = H in a D
    17. 1 = W on a U
    18. 5 = D in a Z C
    19. 57 = H V
    20. 11 = P on a F T
    21. 1000 = W that a P is W
    22. 29 = D in F in a L Y
    23. 64 = S on a C B
    24. 40 = D and N of the G F
    25. 80 = D to G A the W
    26. 2 = # it T to T
    27. 101 = D

    Bonus Round:

    1. 77 = S S S
    2. 3 = R C
    3. 12 = D of C
    4. 9 = L of a C
    5. 8 = T R
    6. 3 = W M

    Potential Company Mergers

    • Xerox and Wurlitzer:
      They're going to make reproductive organs.
    • Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
      New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
    • Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
      New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker
    • W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems:
      New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
    • 3M & Goodyear:
      New company will be called mmmGood
    • John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
      New company will be called DeereAbi
    • Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
      New company will be called Honey, I'm Home
    • Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
      New company will be called Mine, All Mine
    • 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
      New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
    • Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
      New company will be called Poupon Pants
    • Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
      New company will be called Knott NOW!
    • Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
      New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da

    Actual Student GCSE Answers

    1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
    2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
    3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
    4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
    5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
    6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
    7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
    8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
    9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
    10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
    11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
    12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
    13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
    14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
    15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
    16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
    17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
    18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
    19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
    20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
    21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 179 and is still dead.
    22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
    23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
    24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
    25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
    26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
    27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
    28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
    29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
    30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
    31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
    32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
    33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

    Interpretations

    Boris Yeltsen, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.

    During dinner, God said, "I need the three most important people on Earth to deliver my message. Tomorrow, I will destroy the earth."

    Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and said, "I have two bad new items for you. God does exist, and tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."

    Clinton called an emergency meeting of Congress and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist; the bad news is that tomorrow he is going to destroy the Earth."

    Bill Gates went back to Microsoft, called a meeting of all his employees and said, "I have two fantastic announcements: I am one of the three most important people on Earth,and the Year 2,000 problem is solved!"

    FIVE SURGEONS

    Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

    Michael Jordan's Legacy

    Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.

    Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.

    Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.

    If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550 while he was there.

    If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.

    He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.

    He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'

    If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

    If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.

    He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.

    If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.

    Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.

    Amazing isn't it?

    BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

    Translation: Nerds Rule!

    Technical Support Forum

    I am desperately seeking technical support. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound switched off. But I'm embarrassed to say that I can't find the switch to turn it off. I just run them separately, and it works OK. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some kind of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted with a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and that eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it un-installed itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 Beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used an SCSI probe first and also installed virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less re-program. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel and not enough to the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee' 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as 'a huge resource hog'. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 was that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And,although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has a pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. The Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Anybody out there able to offer technical advice?
    -----------------------------
    I hear where you are coming from. I recommend Booze '99, which seems to effectively mask the problems with Wife 1.0. Don't listen to those hacks who say you should install Kids 4.0, that program will crash the entire system. The Mistress 1.0 program never did work very well. I replaced mine with StreetHo '98 and haven't had resource problems since.

    I Won The Lottery

    A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?

    She says, "I don't care. Just get the f*** out."

    Great Comebacks

    Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

    Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

    Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

    Man: "Is this seat empty?"
    Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

    Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    Man: "Your place or mine?"
    Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

    Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."

    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

    Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

    Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
    Woman: "Do not Enter"

    Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized !"

    Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
    Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

    Man: "I know how to please a woman."
    Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

    Man: "I want to give myself to you."
    Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

    Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
    Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

    Man: "Your body is like a temple."
    Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

    Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
    Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

    Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

    Brain Transplant

    The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.

    "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

    "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

    "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

    Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

    "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

    The Classifieds

    1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

    AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

    SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

    FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG

    2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

    TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

    COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

    '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

    FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG

    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

    SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents

    GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lb.. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

    FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

    FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

    NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE

    BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

    SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

    FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE REWARD.

    HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

    HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

    GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

    NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

    FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

    AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

    TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

    NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

    EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.

    OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

    JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

    LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

    ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

    GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

    GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

    OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

    KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box

    FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.

    Resolutions

    • I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
    • I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
    • I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
    • I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
    • I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
    • I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
    • I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
    • If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
    • I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
    • I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
    • I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
    • I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
    • I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
    • I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.