Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What a nice night for an evening.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
The Kentucky School Board, sensing that Atlanta is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my
pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddin't unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Off you go," said the officer.
Y Zero K Problem
While browsing through some dust covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "Magister Fastorium", or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, November 24 or 2000 years ago. The text of the message follows:
Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left
it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.
I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus
BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin action.
A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
The gulf between the author of sarcasticwit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
A very VERY close-knit group.
A political hot potato.
Coming back to life as a redneck.
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
The head of the Potato Head family.
A magazine for executioners.
A dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
All talk and no action.
A game of catch played by children in the living room.
The pain of castration.
Really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace.
Indentation made by a couch potato.
Euphoria at getting a refund from tax authorities, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
To throw all talk of God out the window.
A generic skin disease.
An overbearing member of your carpool.
The area around Foster street.
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Honk If You Love Jesus
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week. "The other day I went up to the local Christian
book store where I saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at the church.
I then bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad
that I did. What followed was a truly uplifting experience ."
"I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I
did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may
have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why the
guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD, Go!... Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
"Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love."
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience."
"A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but
that is when I noticed that the light had changed. I waved one more time to my loving brothers
and sisters and drove through the intersection."
"I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared. So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away."
"Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!!!"
New Year - New Warning!
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!"
But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose
last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to
drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
Sayings that should be on buttons
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- A woman's favorite position is CEO.
- Adult child of alien invaders.
- Adults are just kids who owe money.
- After I cook the vegatables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- And just how may I screw you over today?
- And which dwarf are you?
- And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
- Back off! You're standing in my aura.
- Better living through denial.
- Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
- Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
- Did I mention the kick in thr groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe.
- Do I look like a freakin' people person?
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- Does this condom make me look fat?
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
- Friendly check out clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way.
- God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him.
- Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
- I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go.
- I plead contemporary insanity.
- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
- I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I work hours a week to be this poor.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
- If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
- I'm not a cranky person, I've just been in a very bad mood for 25 years.
- I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- It ain't the size that counts, it's... no...., it is the size.
- It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
- I've found Jesus. He was behind the couch the whole time.
- Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
- Macho law prohibts me from admitting that I'm wrong.
- Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
- Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
- Meandering to a differnt drummer.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Okay, Okay, I take it back. Unscrew you!
- One if us is thinking about sex...... OK it's me.
- Practive random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self control.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
- The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
- Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you"
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
- Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
- You look like shit. Is that the style now?
- You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
- You! Off my planet!
Helga and the bartender
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
THE BRAVE SEA CAPTAIN
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates
into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's man.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
Agent Selection Inside the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there is a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can be considered for the position.
After wending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men
administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for the job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now, they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husbandsitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on several minutes, then all was quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to the death with the chair."
A Little BIT of Humor
Men think computers should be referred to as females, just like ships because:
Women think computers should be referred to as male, because:
- no one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
- the language they use to commumicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- the message "bad command or file name" is as informative as "if you don't know why i'm mad at you, i'm certainly not going to tell you."
- your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- as soon as yo make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Top Ad Slogans Considered By Viagra
- they have a lot of data, but they still are clueless.
- they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half of the time, they ARE the problem.
- as soon as you commit to one, you realize if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
- in order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- a big power surge will knock them out for the rest of the night.
- This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?
- Just do her.
- Viagra... built "ram" tough.
- Tastes great, more filling.
- Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
- Viagra. It plumps when you take 'em.
- The "hardbeef" of America.
- Get a piece of the rock.
- This Pud's for you.
- Viagra. The quicker pecker-picker-upper.
- Viagra. It grows on you.
- Viagra. The drug that put "R" in bone.
What Do Angels Look Like?
- Like the little old lady who returned your wallet yesterday.
- Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world, when you smile.
- Like the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
- Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
- Like the rich man who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe.
- Like the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
- Like the friend who touched your heart, when you didn't think you had one to touch.
- Angels come in all sizes and shapes, all ages and skin types.
- Some with freckles, some with dimples, some with wrinkles, some without.
- They come disguised as friends, enemies, teachers, students, lovers and fools.
- They don't take life too seriously, They travel light.
- They leave no forwarding address, They ask nothing in return.
- They wear sneakers with gossamer wings, They get a deal on dry cleaning.
- They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, but
- They are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.
You're A Jackass
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out one someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered the phone gruffly saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
Keep reading, it gets better...!
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking
aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy, I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.
He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number and then hunted for another place to park.
A couple of day later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I notice the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said; "Hello" I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
The same gruff voice answered grumbling, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said "Yeah!"
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gay bashing protest going on down at West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
What a Glorious Sight!!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and the Channel '13 LIVE' cameras was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
AND I STILL HAVE THEIR PHONE NUMBERS!!!!!
This test does not measure intelligence, your fluency with words, creativity, or mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility. In the three years since the test was developed, few people have been found who could solve more than half of the 27 questions on the first try. Many, however, reported getting answers long after the testing had been set aside, particularly at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed. Some reported solving all the questions over a period of several days. Take the test as your personal challenge. 16 correct answers out of the 27 in your first try means that your are some kind of genius.
INSTRUCTIONS: Each equation below contains the initials of words that will make it correct. Furnish the missing words.
Example: 60=M in an H
Answer: 60= Minutes in an Hour
- 26 = L of the A
- 7 = W of the W
- 1001 = AN
- 12 = S of the Z
- 54 = C in a D (with the J)
- 9 = P in the SS
- 88 = PK
- 13 = S on the AF
- 18 = H on a GC
- 32 = D F at which W F
- 8 = S on a SS
- 200 = D for P G in M
- 3 = B M (S H T R)
- 90 = D in a R A
- 4 = Q in a G
- 24 = H in a D
- 1 = W on a U
- 5 = D in a Z C
- 57 = H V
- 11 = P on a F T
- 1000 = W that a P is W
- 29 = D in F in a L Y
- 64 = S on a C B
- 40 = D and N of the G F
- 80 = D to G A the W
- 2 = # it T to T
- 101 = D
- 77 = S S S
- 3 = R C
- 12 = D of C
- 9 = L of a C
- 8 = T R
- 3 = W M
Potential Company Mergers
- Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They're going to make reproductive organs.
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
- Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker
- W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
- 3M & Goodyear:
New company will be called mmmGood
- John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will be called DeereAbi
- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
New company will be called Honey, I'm Home
- Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
New company will be called Mine, All Mine
- 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
- Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
New company will be called Poupon Pants
- Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
New company will be called Knott NOW!
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da
Actual Student GCSE Answers
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
- In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 179 and is still dead.
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
- Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
- Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the
work of a hundred men.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
- The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Boris Yeltsen, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner, God said, "I need the three most important people on Earth to deliver my message.
Tomorrow, I will destroy the earth."
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and said, "I have two bad new items for you. God does exist, and tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton called an emergency meeting of Congress and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is that God does exist; the bad news is that tomorrow he is going to destroy the Earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft, called a meeting of all his employees and said, "I have two fantastic announcements: I am one of the three most important people on Earth,and the Year 2,000 problem is solved!"
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Michael Jordan's Legacy
Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute assuming he averaged about 30
minutes a game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making $178,100 a day, working or not.
Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with no popcorn), but he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it was boiling.
He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.
He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of 'Friends.'
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.
He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.
Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents for all their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
BUT: JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH
EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
Translation: Nerds Rule!
Technical Support Forum
I am desperately seeking technical support. I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the
sound switched off. But I'm embarrassed to say that I can't find the switch to turn it off. I just run them separately, and it works OK. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some kind of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted with a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and that eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it un-installed itself. Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 Beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used an SCSI probe first and also installed virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered that Girlfriend 1.0 was still in my system! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions! The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it
is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less re-program. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel and not enough to the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is totally object-oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee' 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as 'a huge resource hog'. One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 was that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out
that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And,although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has a pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told
him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without
first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. The Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources. Anybody out there able to offer technical advice?
I hear where you are coming from. I recommend Booze '99, which seems to effectively mask the problems with Wife 1.0. Don't listen to those hacks who say you should install Kids 4.0, that program will crash the entire system. The Mistress 1.0 program never did work very well. I replaced mine with StreetHo '98 and haven't had resource problems since.
I Won The Lottery
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?
She says, "I don't care. Just get the f*** out."
Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied
and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lb.. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
- I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
- I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
- I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
- I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
- I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
- I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
- I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
- If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
- I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
- I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
- I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
- I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
- I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
- I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.